I feel like I've been through every emotion under the sun in the last few weeks. It's been quite a difficult time and there have definitely been more steps backwards than forwards. But it's starting to feel again like I've ridden out the storm, with the help of the Boy and a few good friends who've lent me their ears in recent days. Once again it feels like I'm stepping back into the sunlight.
Thus far my experience of grief is that it can grasp you when you least expect it - I felt like I had been making steady progress forwards but perhaps I had become complacent that recovery was in hand, and the grief came back to take hold of me again and remind me this process is far from over. I suppose this is how it will continue to be - I will be fine for a time, but the waves of sadness can come back and wash over me at any time, and I won't know to expect them. I feel a bit fed up today as baby Beans would have been 24 weeks today, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been. We head to Suffolk for a family holiday on Friday, and as excited as I am I always thought I would be pregnant when we went... so it'll be a different experience, although hopefully still as enjoyable and positive.
All I can do is take each day as it comes, and be thankful for each good day and do what I can to endure the bad days. I must keep putting myself first. I've had to pull out of a few social events recently and I am aware some friends have felt irritated by this. But I can't feel guilty - my whole life I've put other people before myself and to work through this grief, I must come first. Fortunately better friends understand this, and will be waiting for me when I am fit and ready to see them.
The Boy has had a difficult time lately too. A few of his colleagues have recently fallen pregnant and are beginning to share their news. He is pleased for them, but admits that it has to be a reminder of what we lost, and with such news the questions begin again. Why us, why them, why now. There are no answers - the only answers we find are in comforting each other. I lose count of the amount of cuddles I've had in the last few weeks. We're so lucky we've been able to turn to each other, and the love and support we have for each other remains unfaltering.
And so here we are. We've started trying once more for the family we so desperately want. And I'm reminded what that was like - obviously lots of fun in terms of intimacy and couple time! But then the waiting and wishing and hoping and wondering begins... will this be the month there is good news, or will it take longer. I'd forgotten how this felt in the couple of months we tried last time. Then, everything happened so quickly we were both taken by surprise how easily I fell pregnant. I can't help but wonder if that will be the same again? But I know every pregnancy is different, and it could take a while longer this time - I'm not even sure if my body is completely back to normal. Having only had one cycle in the two and a half months since the miscarriage I'm not sure where everything is up to.
So we've come full circle. We start again. I suppose the guessing game has begun once more... This week's horoscope says: "Trust is incredibly important this week and you should have faith that everything will sort itself out." Well - here's hoping!